Fear and Fulfillment

I am told that I have a very laid back mentality to every day life, but what others don’t seem to realize is that my thoughts slowly become more and more erratic, and I must let them out somehow. I usually turn to an emotional breakdown which may occur up to twice a month. As therapeutic as these sob sessions may seem, I was left with a nagging thought in my head while crying on my mother’s sofa: What is the point of it all? A loaded question which I still don’t fully understand.
As a woman, I have always assumed that I would first go to college, get a job, “find myself,” fall in love and get married, BUT as I draw closer to that point in my life, I begin to wonder if that is the path I will choose willingly. I have so many fears about marriage and children that spawn from my parents’ divorce, and I am afraid of becoming someone who struggles to face the day and the duties that come with being a wife and mother.
It is heartbreaking to watch as family after family is ripped at the seams by divorce. The love of a child, the love of a husband seem more and more costly as I draw nearer to that future. Will I sell my entire persona to a marriage that may give me nothing back?
As I am not nearly close to this point in my life, this is all speculation, but I am beginning to grow in my own beliefs and independence, and that in itself is cause for speculation. I am not ready to lose myself to the demands of a family life. I have parents and siblings that feel the need to direct me towards the path of success, but as I grow up away from home and the shelter it brings, I see myself becoming more confident in my own abilities. I have the strength to change my mind and the will to succeed with only my beliefs in hand. I have the ability to lead a single, happy life away from society’s idea of success, but at the same time, I have the desire to nurture a family and grow old beside a man with strong values and killer hair.
I fear unhappiness. The daunting idea that at some point in my future life I will wake up bitter and unfulfilled scares me more than words can describe. I want a life! Living is so much more than awaking each day to dry, mundane tasks that give no satisfaction. Living requires creativity and spirit of heart; the ability to look each day full in the face and say, ” I choose joy!” It is the only path worth searching for, but it is, unavoidably, the hardest to find without spiritual guidance. So here is a prayer that I send out to the unknown and all-knowing God above: let me see beauty even in the common things of life, spread the love of joy and friendship round me, and to let my heart be in tune with the world that I should make no discord in the harmonies of life.
If that is enough to make me happy, then so be it. I wish only to find fulfillment in my world and nothing more.

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